Noggin Vomit

Thanks for the help, I guess?

2011-11-21T14:02:00.000-05:00

Kiddo makes me proud.

2011-10-23T19:58:00.000-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: Those aren't zombies. Zombies can't run. That's a zomgie. TACO: The hell's a zomgie? KIDZOOKIE: As in Z-O-M-G.

They're young, not dumb.

2011-06-19T19:02:00.000-05:00

I feel compelled to reiterate this. It's the root of an argument I've had repeatedly with some of my friends. I never let the kids win when we play games or otherwise compete. I do place constraints on my own efforts to keep things fair, but within those constraints, I play my damnedest to win. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. They're learning to do both more gracefully, and as they

His sarcasm is developing nicely.

2011-04-14T06:40:00.000-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: I got a hundred on two tests in a row. TACO: Kick ass. I'm proud of you; you're really smart. What tests? KIDZOOKIE: Science and math. TACO: Okay, so you're studying fractions in math. What was the science test on? KIDZOOKIE: Planets and stuff. TACO: Astronomy is awesome. KIDZOOKIE: Not like all of them though, just the sun, the moon, and the stars. TACO: Cool, what

Donny, you're out of your element.

2011-03-30T20:47:00.000-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: When I grow up, I'm going to open Kidzookie's Awesome Restaurant, and the largest ice cream cone is going to be this big. [gestures] TACO: Really? Because at Taco's Awesome Restaurant, that's our smallest cone. If you order the large one, three waiters have to help you carry it to the table. KIDZOOKIE: Well at mine, it takes five waiters. TACO: If you order it to go, they have

Thanks for clearing that up.

2011-03-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

My reputation precedes me.

2011-03-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

TACO: Am I going to have fun? WIFEZILLA: If I don't pass out. TACO: If you pass out, maybe I'll have a LOT of fun. WIFEZILLA: If I pass out, you can do whatever you want. TACO: ... WIFEZILLA: Oh, God, what are you going to do? Fry eggs on my ass?

Very crafty, Eclipse.

2011-03-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

He's talking trash above his grade level.

2011-02-27T09:21:00.000-05:00

TACO: You kids ready for your spankings? GIRLZOOKIE: Noooooo. KIDZOOKIE: I wanna play Monopoly. TACO: Does Monopoly involve spankings? KIDZOOKIE: It will when I beat your butt. TACO: Well played.

He's so much fun to tease.

2011-02-26T08:59:00.000-05:00

TACO: ...because a certain Justin Bieber looking beyotch... KIDZOOKIE: THAT'S WHY I WANT A FREAKING HAIRCUT!

FML

2011-02-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

TACO: [reads Dr. Doom's Twitter feed to wifezilla] Blah blah blah FML. WIFEZILLA: FML? TACO: FML. WIFEZILLA: FML? TACO: F. M. L. WIFEZILLA: Does that stand for something? TACO: Yes. WIFEZILLA: I wanted to know what it stands for. TACO: Then that's what you should have asked. WIFEZILLA: [sighs] Living with you is hard. TACO: Yep. WIFEZILLA: What does FML stand for?

The WoW goldfarmers are getting more aggressive.

2011-01-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

Now they're advertising to me on my evening commute.

BA-DA-DA-DA-DAP!

2011-01-21T19:00:00.001-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: Do you know about the Jersey Devil? TACO: Oh, yeah, I know all about him. KIDZOOKIE: I learned about it today. Know how he was created? TACO: Yeah, he was created in a genetics lab, but there was an accident. The lab was destroyed and the Jersey Devil was presumed dead. He drifted from town to town for several years before being sent to prison by a military court for a crime

I feel you, brother.

2011-01-18T21:42:00.000-05:00

Donner, table for two?

2011-01-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

TACO: Just so you know, if the power goes out, I'm resorting to cannibalism. KIDZOOKIE: You're not supposed to resort to cannibalism until the food runs out. TACO: If I resort to cannibalism first, the food will last longer. KIDZOOKIE: But I don't have to be refrigerated. TACO: It's the snowpocalypse. I can just put anything I need refrigerated outside until the power comes back on.

Push it real good.

2011-01-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

NETFLIX STREAMING: [Retrieving.] WIFEZILLA: Make it work! TACO: What do you want me to do? Open up the wire and push the ones and zeroes myself? WIFEZILLA: Yes! NETFLIX STREAMING: [Plays for 5 minutes] NETFLIX STREAMING: [Retrieving. AGAIN.] WIFEZILLA: Push the bits and bytes, Taco! TACO: I'll push the bits and bytes if you push my bits and bite. WIFEZILLA: Well aren't you funny.

Search Strings: January 2011 Edition

2011-01-04T08:00:00.007-05:00

I haven't done one of these in a long time, because frankly, the search strings haven't been all that funny in a long time. I have a reminder set at the beginning of every month, and every month I check it... but the search terms are generally just permutations on a few very bitter themes. Really ought to do something about the tone of my posts, I suppose. Also somebody is really really into

A Chain Unbroken

2011-01-03T02:56:00.000-05:00

We were hanging out at my parents' house a lot over the holidays. One night, my son was tired, overstimulated, and frankly, had spent too damn much time around too damn many people. He mouthed off at somebody and stomped off to be by himself and cool down. Dad shot me a smirk, and I made some remark to the effect of recognizing where he gets some of that charm. I doubt that either of you who

It's weird inside here.

2010-12-29T10:28:00.000-05:00

So last night I dreamed that I took wifezilla out for a date night. We hit the town and did all kinds of stuff, and it was really fun. Strangely, though, we kept running into my friend Mike from work everywhere we went. Toward the end of the evening, we stopped in at a bar so wifezilla could get a coke, and there was Mike tending bar. He got mad and told us to stop following him. I

Too much? I can never tell.

2010-12-22T22:06:00.005-05:00

NOQ: *slides down your chimney*NOQ: *stuffs your stockings*TACO: Hooray!NOQ: *runs out before you blow the rape whistle*TACO: Jingle my bells!TACO: Deck my halls!NOQ: I will do so..gently.TACO: Gimme a white Christmas!NOQ: *blows white christmas all over your face*TACO: Oh myTACO: You seem to have come upon a midnight clear.NOQ: I Totally did.

One step closer to my goal of making this a meme.

2010-12-06T19:11:00.005-05:00

COWORKER: I hate when open source developers make you check out their shit from the repository and build it. Just make it available.TACO: I'm firmly convinced that OSS developers are of the opinion that if it was hard to write, it should be hard to use.COWORKER: Yeah.TACO: Whatcha trying to get?COWORKER: A mocking framework called Mockolate. Pain in my ass.TACO: So, would you characterize

Jazz Hands!

2010-12-02T21:06:00.002-05:00

WIFEZILLA: Guys' bodies are so weird.TACO: It's a biological inevitability.WIFEZILLA: Still weird.TACO: It's not my fault. You go into REM sleep, you get a raging boner. Fact of life.WIFEZILLA: Still weird.TACO: You should be happy. You pounce me in the middle of the night, most of the work's already done for you.WIFEZILLA: Still weird.TACO: Okay, I have to admit... I'd be kinda

Problem Solver.

2010-11-23T21:37:00.003-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: Will you help me learn to be a detective so I can be one when I grow up?TACO: Sure. Next time I take a crap, you can practice by trying to detect what I had for lunch.KIDZOOKIE: Okay, first? You're disgusting.

The Brokeback Opry

2010-11-22T09:27:00.001-05:00

I want to write a gay country and western ballad called "You Made My Brown Eye Blue."

Nearsighted? Get some hindsight.

2010-11-16T21:05:00.002-05:00

fett mentioned reading through my old posts today. That intrigued me, so I went back to my very first blog post and worked my way forward.It was an interesting read, largely, I think, because enough time has passed that I'd completely forgotten the majority of them. So I had no emotional ties to them, and being thus completely detached from them, I reacted more honestly than my usual immediate

Story Time with Taco

2010-11-15T20:11:00.013-05:00

Error: Server is Stubborn

2010-11-13T10:29:00.002-05:00

Got her.

2010-11-08T20:55:00.002-05:00

SPIKE: [NARRATING THE SCENE BELOW HIM] Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair-gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away!WIFEZILLA: Oh yeah, like Spike's hair isn't all hair-gelled.TACO: I knew you were paying attention!WIFEZILLA: Was not!

The Checkered Flag

2010-11-04T08:35:00.001-05:00

WIFEZILLA: And then you do this when you finish.TACO: ...WIFEZILLA: Are you watching?TACO: ...WIFEZILLA: Watch.TACO: ...WIFEZILLA: [mimes]TACO: We're never having sex again.WIFEZILLA: Oh, come on. I bet I look funny, too.TACO: I should've given being gay a chance.WIFEZILLA: What the hell would that solve?TACO: Better sexual mechanics. Gay guys wouldn't be able see what ridiculous

Someone should invent antilock brakes for mouths.

2010-11-03T09:52:00.003-05:00

WIFEZILLA: [sigh]TACO: What?WIFEZILLA: All the women at your office are so thin and pretty. I don't like it.TACO: Well, they're a lot younger than we are.TACO: Can I pretend I didn't say that out loud?WIFEZILLA: Go ahead. That's what I'm doing.

Yes, indeed it is.

2010-10-16T21:08:00.003-05:00

Turns out I'm not mature enough to shop for tea. Who knew?

Did I mention nipple?

2010-10-13T20:22:00.003-05:00

TACO: Your shirt is too thin.WIFEZILLA: Why?TACO: I can see your belly button. And is that your nipple?WIFEZILLA: [looks at shirt and sighs heavily] No, that's a butter stain.TACO: I'm going to pretend that's your nipple.WIFEZILLA: That's not my nipple. [points] That's my nipple.TACO: I'm not going to pretend that's your nipple.WIFEZILLA: Why the hell not?TACO: Because that really is

Sarcasmotron at 82% Capacity and Rising

2010-10-11T07:20:00.002-05:00

TACO: Wake up.KIDZOOKIE: Nguh.TACO: Why do you have a pink blanket?KIDZOOKIE: It's Girlzookie's.TACO: No, it's yours, isn't it?KIDZOOKIE: Nguh.TACO: Admit it. You want to be a pretty little girl. You wake up in the morning and go, "Tra la laaaaaa."KIDZOOKIE: Yes. I wake up in the morning and go, "Tra la laaaaaa." Then I go outside and pick flowers, and look for rainbows, and then I

One of Us

2010-10-10T10:38:00.001-05:00

TACO: What the hell are you watching?KIDZOOKIE: [blah blah blah]TACO: Your brain is a frightening place.KIDZOOKIE: It's a twisted labyrinth that you'll never find your way out of.

Apparently, I've made the joke too many times.

2010-10-05T20:43:00.003-05:00

COWORKER: Hey man.TACO: Hey, what's up?COWORKER: I've got a question for you.TACO: Wyoming.COWORKER: Thanks!COWORKER: [pulls a post-it off his desk]COWORKER: [hands TACO the post-it]POST-IT: What was the first state to grant women the right to vote?

Freud Sucks

2010-08-31T21:41:00.001-05:00

WIFEZILLA: We're gonna have pork and corn...TACO: PORN?!?!WIFEZILLA: PORK. And CORN.TACO: Shit.

Kitty's Got Claws

2010-08-30T20:41:00.002-05:00

WIFEZILLA: Whatcha doin'?TACO: Playing a tower defense game.WIFEZILLA: Oh. Is your World of Warcraft not online?TACO: No, it's fine.WIFEZILLA: Why aren't you playing?TACO: Kinda bored with it. My friends haven't been playing lately.WIFEZILLA: Oh. They got girlfriends?TACO: Damn, woman.

Of course I don't get permission until he's already found a job.

2010-08-24T21:52:00.003-05:00

WIFEZILLA: I'm gonna have to wear my glasses for a couple of months.TACO: ??WIFEZILLA: Tore my last ones again. I can't afford to keep buying a new pack every two months.TACO: Ah.WIFEZILLA: Maybe when we're millionaires.TACO: Hmm.WIFEZILLA: 'Course then I could get a Seeing Eye Person.TACO: A Seeing Eye Person would be cool.WIFEZILLA: Or a Doing Eye Person.TACO: [points at self]

Turnabout, Fair Play, and the Symmetric Property

2010-08-20T13:35:00.004-05:00

TACO: I have heartburn.WIFEZILLA: Why do you have heartburn?TACO: Because there is acid in my esophagus.WIFEZILLA: Must you?TACO: Ugh. Where's the antacid?WIFEZILLA: In the antacid bottle.TACO: Touche, madam.

She did what now?

2010-08-05T09:47:00.001-05:00

My droid's autocorrect slays me.kr4ster: how goes it?Taco: Pretty good. Shit morning, on. the. phone with support forever. Hoe ate things your way?Taco: Best typo ever.

620.911738 days

2010-07-27T19:34:00.004-05:00

PHONE: Ring. Ring. Hey, Taco, it's that recruiter who has called you eight times today but won't leave a voicemail.TACO: Hello?RECRUITER: Yes hello I am speaking to Taco?TACO: Yep.RECRUITER: Yes hello Taco I am recruiter I am representing opportunity for 1.7 year contract are you interested?TACO: The hell?RECRUITER: Excuse me?TACO: That's a weird duration for a contract.RECRUITER: I am

Google no poner el queso en la ropa interior del diablo.

2010-07-14T20:58:00.003-05:00

What Google thinks my sister said:Hey Mama had planned money if guys are having wanna follow up on people who else.What my sister actually said:¡Hola hermano! ¿Qué tal? Es tu hermanita. Llámame prontito. Adiós.

Kidzookie vs. the Troglodytes

2010-07-08T22:09:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is my son's first day of 3rd grade. He's currently upstairs crying because he'll go back to being bored, primarily because they don't let him read difficult enough books. I'm simultaneously proud and depressed as fuck.

Ish.

2010-07-05T22:15:00.003-05:00

WIFEZILLA: Turn the air off, I'm cold.TACO: No.WIFEZILLA: I'm nakedish!TACO: Pfft. You're not nakedish. You're wearing a tshirt nightgown thing.WIFEZILLA: Ish!TACO: Yeah, yeah, I'm nakedish too.WIFEZILLA: No, you're wearing jeans.TACO: There's a lot of play in "ish," bish.WIFEZILLA: There's something wrong with you.

And God I Love My Wife.

2010-06-20T22:59:00.003-05:00

We've taken to having lunch at the same place every Sunday. Wifezilla worked as a waitress for a while, so she's pretty picky about service. It's kinda nice, actually... all the waitresses know my kids' names, and treat us really nicely.Today, the place was packed, and they clearly hadn't anticipated it... there were only three waitresses working. The three of them were hustling all over the

God I love my kid.

2010-06-15T18:36:00.006-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: We learned about the Presidents today.WIFEZILLA: Can you name some?KIDZOOKIE: George Washington. Lincoln. Bill, um... Clinton?WIFEZILLA: Very good. Which one was the first President?KIDZOOKIE: George Washington.WIFEZILLA: Do you know who's the President now?KIDZOOKIE: Barack Obama.WIFEZILLA: Do you know which President came before him?KIDZOOKIE: All of them.

Leroy's service has really gone downhill.

2010-06-03T19:35:00.002-05:00

PHONE: Ring. Ring. Ring.TACO: Hello?RECRUITER: Hello, may I speak to Taco?TACO: You're talkin' to him.RECRUITER: Yes hello I am calling about the job opportunity in Charlotte. Is this an area you are interested?TACO: Charlotte? No.RECRUITER: Yes where are you interested?TACO: Raleigh.RECRUITER: I will check if we have any opportunity there will you hold?TACO: I...HOLD SYSTEM: Muzak

Genital Discourse Page 2

2010-05-28T21:19:00.002-05:00

I remembered the other genitally whatchahoozits I wanted to talk about the other night.We have flushless urinals at work. This is generally a Bad Idea. Because by the end of the day, the bathroom stinks like a monkey. Who. Um. Pees. On flushless urinals.Anyway, it reeks. But it's also given rise to a new game.For the past few days, I've entertained myself by peeing into the urinal such

Genital Discourse

2010-05-26T21:29:00.002-05:00

There needs to be a Weird Al style parody of Silent Lucidity that's about prostitution. It should be called High Rent Nakedity. So get right on that. Thanks.The eye doctor determined that the problems I've been having with my eyes have nothing to do with scratches on my corneas, but rather, I've been continually reinfecting them with the bacterial frappe that's developed in my contact solution

My Lord and Master is pleased.

2010-05-17T21:41:00.001-05:00

We seem to be running a theme lately

2010-05-13T20:19:00.002-05:00

WIFEZILLA: Hey.TACO: Hey.WIFEZILLA: You're pretty cute.TACO: Mm.WIFEZILLA: Did you know that?TACO: No.WIFEZILLA: Well, you are.TACO: Explains a lot.WIFEZILLA: Like what?TACO: I can't keep my hands off myself.WIFEZILLA: I've noticed that.

Faceplant

2010-05-12T20:08:00.002-05:00

WIFEZILLA: My boob itches.TACO: Want me to bite it?WIFEZILLA: It's kinda sweaty underneath.TACO: Never mind. You're disgusting.WIFEZILLA: Oh, like you don't get sweaty under your stuff.TACO: That's different.WIFEZILLA: How in the hell is that different?TACO: I don't put my face in there.WIFEZILLA: If you could put your face in there, we wouldn't have a house.TACO: If I could put my

"Special" eyes.

2010-04-15T20:13:00.003-05:00

Finished filing my taxes. You'd think I'd file them early since the government always owes me money. But you'd underestimate my laziness.Got promoted today. Weirdest promotion ever. The boss pulled me aside to ask me if I'd reconsider taking the job because they couldn't find anyone they liked for it, and they thought I was doing a really good job. Turns out to be the job I thought I already

I'm not mature enough for this.

2010-04-04T14:22:00.002-05:00

Found in the back of my daughter's activity book from the Easter Bunny.

FINISH HIM!

2010-03-31T20:16:00.004-05:00

Each night, if they've been good, before they go upstairs, I play a game with the kids. They take turns picking the game. Tonight was my son's turn. His favorite game is currently Munchkin (which is an awesome damn game, by the way).Since it was already rather well past the time they're supposed to go upstairs for the evening, we decided to play a short game, to level 5 instead of the usual 10

Well, Pappy O'Daniel liked it.

2010-03-31T19:26:00.003-05:00

A series of text messages today:TACO: me.setSunshine(you);TACO: me.setSunshineCount(1);TACO: if (Colors.GRAY.equals(sky.getColor()) you.getMe().beHappy();WIFEZILLA: You = dork;

Shhh. Don't tell Coyote.

2010-03-24T19:37:00.000-05:00

I'm finally watching Tropic Thunder.

Things That Happened Today

2010-03-18T20:09:00.004-05:00

Difficult Thing That Happened Today:TACO: Molly!MOLLY: [trots up]TACO: [tries to put antibiotic eye gel in Molly's eyes]Awesome Thing That Happened Today:FRIEND FROM COLLEGE WHO IS AN AWESOME DEVELOPER: Hey, I saw you changed jobs. Do you like it there? Are there any openings?Inexplicable Thing That Happened Today:RECEPTIONIST: I didn't get your RSVP for lunch because the invite was sent

Google Got Drunk for St. Pat's

2010-03-17T17:02:00.001-05:00

What Google Thinks My Voicemail Was: "Hey man, this is gonna flake everything fact that."What My Voicemail Actually Was: "Hey, man, just calling to say Happy St. Patrick's Day."

I think I may be at my best when I'm miserable.

2010-03-04T22:24:00.002-05:00

Met some new people today while I had a horrible, debilitating migraine. Made a really good impression, and came off as witty and awesome, largely because I was too busy suffering to second guess myself. Huh.

CotD: Twofer Tuesday Edition

2010-02-16T21:51:00.003-05:00

Conversation the First:TACO: [plays the Star Wars edition of Life with the kiddos]GIRLZOOKIE: Dark side!TACO: Here's another dark side token. You're turning into one evil little turd.KIDZOOKIE: How about me?TACO: You only have one dark side token. Your guy is just kinda rude.KIDZOOKIE: Crap! Well, I'm going down the next Dark Side path. So I'll have two tokens.TACO: Congratulations,

Wild and ca-razy guys.

2010-02-13T15:55:00.003-05:00

With respect to this piece of hawtness I found today:TACO: Just FABULOUS.BLUE: ScaryTACO: It makes me feel pretty!BLUE: It would make the people around you nervousTACO: Oh, sorry, I did't mean wearing it. I meant by comparison.

I am a pioneer in the exciting field of Shit Not To Say To Your Girl Ology

2010-02-06T15:52:00.002-05:00

WIFE: How do you like my hair cut?TACO: Cool, you got a celebrity hairdo.WIFE: Oh? Which celebrity?TACO: Derek Zoolander.

Mean Even for Me

2010-02-05T23:45:00.003-05:00

TACO: All right, that's enough. You have to get up for school tomorrow.KIDZOOKIE: Going to school on Saturday sucks.TACO: Remember how you kept dancing around all week when school was canceled due to snow, and I said "you just wait until you have to go to school on Saturday"? Well, here you go.KIDZOOKIE: Man. That was mean even for you.

Google: Are You Feeling Horny?

2010-02-04T19:59:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to post one of these for a while, but keep forgetting. I started using Google Voice a while ago, and I pretty much love all of its features... but in particular, I love the voicemail transcription. When someone leaves me voicemail, Google hops to work translating it into digital text, and then emails it to me and texts it to my phone.One thing has become abundantly clear.

Smurf the smurfing smurfers.

2010-01-22T23:16:00.003-05:00

So given the new job (and my absolute lack of any banking industry experience), I've been taking a lot of training classes. Today, I had to take a course on money laundering. At which I learned about smurfing. This is beautiful. They actually smurfing named the crime smurfing. Smurfing awesome.

Gradually Ruining That Woman

2010-01-15T10:54:00.003-05:00

TACO & WIFEZILLA: [watch 30 Rock]TACO: What the hell? Kenneth is over 40?WIFEZILLA: He'll never look any older. He's like Michael J. Fox.TACO: So he'll just gradually get more and more blurry?WIFEZILLA: Was that a Parkinson's joke?TACO: Yeah.WIFEZILLA: Meep meep.TACO: Hellbus?WIFEZILLA: Yep.TACO: God, you're awesome.

She talks in her sleep.

2010-01-13T23:54:00.002-05:00

A couple times a week, wifezilla is already sacking zees when I get to bed. She frequently talks in her sleep, and when she does, she's often nearly coherent, so that I have a hard time at first figuring out whether she's making fun of me, or just unconscious. They can be some of the most wonderfully bizarre conversations I ever have.Every time it happens, I promise myself I'll remember it.

For Yay Miitard Use Only

2010-01-11T18:35:00.002-05:00

This subscription that Coyote got me may be the greatest gift I've ever gotten. It just keeps getting more entertaining month after month.

With Apologies to my Christian Friends

2010-01-10T15:34:00.002-05:00

I got bored at Barnes & Noble so I put some bibles in the science fiction & fantasy section.

Long Day is Long

2010-01-06T23:38:00.003-05:00

Cliff's Notes on Taco's Day:6:00a - Get up, start getting ready, start pouring coffee down gullet.7:00a - Drive to work.7:45a - Get to work.10:00a - Guy asks for help with some Java work he's doing. Start trying to untangle his mess.11:00a - 30 minute meeting w/ guys in London developing a piece of the product for us.1:15p - "30 minute" meeting ends. Meeting was very productive, though.

My Holiday Movie Binge

2010-01-04T20:40:00.002-05:00

I already had quite a backlog. I've been on a DVD-watching dry spell for a while. Partly because it's a fun way to drive Coyote insane (no, I'll never watch Hot Fuzz). But the pile finally started to call to me. And the post-Christmas DVD sale at Target netted me some sweet sets. I succumbed.District 9. I wanted to watch this so bad when it was in the theater, but work was insane at the

None of my shit ever gets old.

2009-12-31T21:02:00.003-05:00

WIFEZILLA: Hey, who played Principal Moss on King of the Hill?TACO: Huh?WIFEZILLA: The voice actor who does Principal Moss on King of the Hill. I recognize him from somewhere.TACO: Hang on, I'll look him up.WIFEZILLA: Has he done any other voice acting?TACO: Oh! He was Principal Moss on King of the Hill!WIFEZILLA: You know, none of your shit ever gets old.

There's a giant doing cartwheels.

2009-12-30T17:55:00.004-05:00

Took this photo from my front porch this morning. It fails utterly to capture what I really saw.

Incoming Movie Binge

2009-12-29T20:49:00.004-05:00

I love the after-Christmas DVD sales. In addition to a couple of just-'cause gifts for other people, I snagged season 2 of Big Bang Theory, season 1 of True Blood, and season 5 of The Office for myself this week, at a mere $17 a pop. I finally broke down and decided to buy Wet tonight, and that trip to Best Buy yielded copies of 9, District 9, and Paranormal Activity.I think my DVD dry spell

Vampirism in the Modern World

2009-12-28T09:44:00.001-05:00

Do vampire activists worry about peak hemoglobin?

Wherein Kidzookie Discovers Monty Python

2009-12-26T22:59:00.003-05:00

We had the big family shindig for Christmas tonight. One of our traditions is to play that old holiday game where everyone brings a fairly inexpensive gift, and everyone has the opportunity to pick an unopened gift or steal someone else's. Great fun.This year, someone brought the Rabbit of Caerbannog. My son went nuts for the thing. I was already out of the game, having won a $10 lottery

Wifezilla is awesome.

2009-12-15T23:27:00.006-05:00

We traded stories about our days when I got home from work. My story was pretty boring.Wifezilla, on the other hand, regaled me with the tale of her shopping trip. She parked and was getting Girlzookie out of the car when she noticed two children in the car parked next to her. Alone. One was an infant in a car seat, and the other was a toddler.She was concerned, was our heroine, so she stood

Zee Germans, Tommy.

2009-12-14T23:42:00.006-05:00

Long day.They had the grand opening of the office today. The governor came out for it. The news crews came out, but it was a pretty small event, so I don't know that it'll actually show up on any news outlets. If it does, keep an eye out for me and marvel at how I behaved myself.Been doing financial investment training courses. Jeebus. How is some of this shit legal? I start the actual

We had children so we could torment them.

2009-12-11T18:22:00.003-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: Mom won't let me watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force.TACO: K.KIDZOOKIE: It's really funny. There's a milkshake guy.TACO: Does he bring all the boys to the yard?KIDZOOKIE: What?TACO: Are they like, "It's better than yours?"WIFEZILLA: [yelling from the next room] Damn right, it's better than yours!

Jeez It, the Cops!

2009-12-06T00:59:00.001-05:00

I'm proud of that little scientific mind.

2009-12-05T12:19:00.002-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: Hey, dad.TACO: Yeah, buddy, what's up?KIDZOOKIE: Is Santa real?TACO: Sure he is. Why?KIDZOOKIE: Well, I mean, magic isn't real, so how in the world would reindeer fly?TACO: I dunno.KIDZOOKIE: I think you and mom just buy a bunch of presents, and then on Christmas Eve, you check on us to see if we're really asleep. Then if we are, you put the presents under the tree and label

Things that are awesome because they happened to someone else.

2009-12-03T22:31:00.001-05:00

My wife had to explain to my son what a vasectomy is tonight. It wasn't me. And that makes it awesome.

To hold my tongue speaks of quiet reservation.

2009-12-02T21:45:00.002-05:00

Progress was made on the security for my little side project. Got the authentication stuff set up, so the site can now authenticate users and grant or reject access based on the users' granted rights. Sweet. Next up is encrypting the password. Yay.My joints have been in really shitty shape for the past week or so. This week has featured a new treat in that my hands have been so painful that

Done ruined that boy.

2009-12-01T16:43:00.002-05:00

I came home today to a gift from my son wrapped up and waiting in my favorite chair. I opened it to find this piece of beauty, and it is indeed fucking awesome. I can't really go through it till I finish burning through the DVDs, but holy shit does it rock.

Because: Moar!

2009-11-30T22:42:00.003-05:00

On my morning commute today I was behind a car with the personalized plate: MORE DPS. I couldn't agree more.Guess tomorrow's the big reveal. Much of my desk is already cleared out. Hmm.Got my rejection from F&SF this weekend. I only got as far as one of the assistant editors. Still, it wasn't a form letter, but a real letter with a signature, which was nice. Granted, they just pasted my

How They Find Me: November 2009 Edition

2009-11-22T00:24:00.007-05:00

I don't get many funny search terms any more, just the same ones repeated ad nauseam. (Apparently Google thinks I'm a leading expert on tequila.) The days of people endlessly searching my site for groin mustard and naked Hitler groin massages seem to have gone the way of the dodo.Alas.But tonight I found out that one of my posts got Dugg (only twice, but hey, that's doubly amazing to me), and

Immature Taco is Immature

2009-11-21T16:48:00.002-05:00

PHONE: Ring ring.TACO: Hello?KR4STER: Hey man.TACO & KR4STER: Blah blah blah.TACO: So I picked up the demo for Wet. It's fucking awesome. It's like being in a John Woo movie.KR4STER: Download now? Yes.TACO: Cool, are you getting Wet?KR4STER: ...TACO: rofl

Just nod if you can hear me.

2009-11-18T08:29:00.004-05:00

WIFEZILLA: Hey, I've got an idea.TACO: Well, be nice to it. It's got to be lonely.WIFEZILLA: <__>WIFEZILLA: <__>WIFEZILLA: All right, that was pretty good.TACO: Yay!

Enjoy Buffy and the Vampires.

2009-11-16T21:37:00.004-05:00

My mom gave me a check for my birthday last night. I anticipated the parental check and asked everybody else for money this year for my birthday. The proceeds thereof got me the collected set of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series on DVD. I called my mom tonight to tell her that she bought me the Buffy DVD set for my birthday. There followed a 45-minute-long conversation about this and that

Off to #2.

2009-11-16T12:39:00.002-05:00

Magazine #2. Not bodily waste elimination function #2. You're gross.Just got back from mailing my story in to Fantasy & Science Fiction. They reject really quickly, so hopefully I'll be able to mail it out to Asimov's by sometime next week.

It sounded less disgusting in my head.

2009-11-15T22:59:00.001-05:00

Pot roast + vodka + chocolate birthday cake + burp smells a lot like Indian food.

Ever notice...

2009-11-13T23:44:00.001-05:00

...how the most embarrassing experiences become your favorite memories?Weird.

Rejected But Not Unexpected

2009-11-12T15:06:00.003-05:00

Got my rejection letter from Analog today. Regrettably (but unsurprisingly), I got a form letter rejection, so it wasn't a particularly close thing. On to the next on the list.

Silence, Looking Glass, Peemoflage, Coding, and Murlocs (Oh My)

2009-11-11T20:38:00.004-05:00

Day 37. No word yet. But today was a holiday, so no mail.Haven't gotten my special package yet, either. Today would've been a good day for me to get it, because a new way of looking at it hit me: am I likely to get this kind of opportunity where I currently am? Made the decision obvious to me today. By tomorrow I'll be second guessing myself again. It's kinda what I do.Random thing you

Booyah. Got the /mom.

2009-11-10T12:45:00.003-05:00

TACO: Stop restoring my faith in humanity, damn it. I can't be a curmudgeon unless I hate my species.BLUE: not all of us are assholesTACO: You're messing with my worldviewBLUE: giving you a new paradigm... i'm not [jackass' name deleted], though.. i don't have art to go with itBLUE: lmaoTACO: Maybe you could leverage some synergies to create an actionable paradigm?BLUE: or maybe i could

He's got a bead on you.

2009-11-07T11:33:00.004-05:00

Kidzookie had his first brush with internet porn.He's been playing online games and managed to get the computer infected, and it started throwing pornographic popups at him.There's a scan running on the machine now, and in the meantime, we're having on-again, off-again talks about what happened to see if he has any questions that need answering.And it was during one of these conversations, just

Damn kids and their intertubes.

2009-11-04T20:02:00.003-05:00

KIDZOOKIE: Daddy? TACO: What?KIDZOOKIE: Daddy? TACO: What?KIDZOOKIE: Daddyyyyyyyyyy? TACO: What?KIDZOOKIE: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?TACO: WHAT!?KIDZOOKIE: We're in a restaurant, Daaaaaaaddyyyyyyyyy.

Wherein she sets my priorities in order

2009-11-03T09:13:00.003-05:00

WIFEZILLA: [digs through Taco's change bowl] Can I borrow some change?TACO: Sure.WIFEZILLA: Another Canadian dime. Damn it, you're where I keep getting them!TACO: Alackaday, my secret is out! I'm having an affair with my sexy Canadian man!WIFEZILLA: Lovely.TACO: He pays for blowjobs with Canadian dimes.WIFEZILLA: You need to start charging more.

We have traveled this way before and there is much to be learned.

2009-11-02T17:39:00.002-05:00

Netflix has Cosmos available for online streaming. I've been watching an episode a night for a few nights now. I forgot how much I love this series (and Carl Sagan).Upgraded my main PC at work to Ubuntu 9.10 today. Our network sucks balls so it didn't finish until a few minutes before I had to leave, so I haven't put it through its paces yet. It's pretty, though.Today marks one month since I