Search Strings: January 2011 Edition

I haven't done one of these in a long time, because frankly, the search strings haven't been all that funny in a long time.  I have a reminder set at the beginning of every month, and every month I check it... but the search terms are generally just permutations on a few very bitter themes.

Really ought to do something about the tone of my posts, I suppose.

Also somebody is really really into Carl Sagan.  Which is awesome.  But probably very disappointing for him when he winds up here.

Anyway, this month's search string report made me laugh, so I had to share.

The usual... the usual... the usual... wait, what?

How They Find Me: November 2009 Edition

I don't get many funny search terms any more, just the same ones repeated ad nauseam. (Apparently Google thinks I'm a leading expert on tequila.) The days of people endlessly searching my site for groin mustard and naked Hitler groin massages seem to have gone the way of the dodo.

Alas.

But tonight I found out that one of my posts got Dugg (only twice, but hey, that's doubly amazing to me), and that prompted me to check my search terms out of cycle. And when I did so, I found this:


Most of it's pretty typical of my month-to-month results. There's two things I want to point out to you here, though.

First, someone's coming here to find out what suyapi means. I guess it's as good a place as any, but I don't think you'll find the answer here. You really have to experience suyapi.

Second, and more importantly, a Carl Sagan quote is tied for #1 most visits to my site. That's fucking awesome.

P.S. Groin mustard guy? Where are you? I'm worried about you. Let's talk.

How They Find Me: February 2009 Edition

I haven't done one of these since September, so I figured I'm due. So, without (any, really) ado, how do they find me lately? Survey says:

1. "nogginvomit." Still far and away the most popular search string for my site. And by far and away, I mean it happened 4 times, vs. the 1 time for each of the remaining search strings. I can't imagine any of my friends who read this googling for "nogginvomit" instead of simply coming directly to the site. Unless they were fucking with me on purpose, in which case, there'd be at least several dozen hits on it. Which leaves me being amused and disturbed that someone out there is legitimately googling it.
   
2. "fuck eclipse." I guess I must've been angry at Eclipse at some point in time and ranted about it. I actually really like Eclipse, though, so this one is pretty funny to me, too. I'm also really glad to see that there's someone else out there besides me who's willing to give in and really let themselves rage over a piece of software. Welcome to the support group, whoever you are. We meet on Tuesdays. We have cold beer. You bring the chips.
   
3. "don't let your babies grow up to be accountants." Yeah. Damn accountants. Always... crunching numbers and shit. Fuck you, accountants.
4. "all the jeniahs." I don't know what a jeniah is, but somebody out there wants them all. I'm sure he was heartbroken when he found out that all I had to offer him were jenas. Maybe he actually wanted all the Jennas, but I hope not. They're mostly haggard and leathery these days.
   
5. "dear life fuck you." Perhaps the most legitimate hit my blog has ever gotten. Yay google!
   
6. "does tequila smell." No, my dear. You smell. Tequila stinks.
   
7. "eclipse 'stack view'." Yes, Eclipse is stacked, and the view is marvellous.
   
8. "mistress vomit." There we go. The scary queries. Who the fuck?
   
9. "richard lewis looks like shit." Okay, I take it back... perhaps this is the most legitimate hit my blog has ever gotten.
   
10. "vomir mistress." Creepy typo. You have to admire the guy's persistence, though. He eventually got it right.
    
11. "what does tequila smell like." The height of geekery: rather than buying some tequila and finding out, they googled it instead. Which one of you is this, because I'm damn sure I'm friends with whoever did this.
    

How they find me

Coyote and I talked about posting this info a long time ago, and then I forgot. But now he's called me out, and I must return fire in kind.

Google Analytics is an awesome tool that can tell you a hell of a lot about your website, your traffic, and your users. If you're running a real website that you intend to make money from, it (or something similar) is an absolute must... such tools are invaluable in helping you tailor your site to keep visitors interested, returning, viewing your ads... whatever.

Of course, it's completely useless to me and my blog, since I have no ads and about five friends reading it... but it does have one little feature I can't do without: it'll tell you how people found you.

I've been watching the search strings people find my site with for years, and it never disappoints. Prior to converting to blogspot, someone constantly found my old blog by searching for "groin mustard." Figure that one out. And I doubt anyone will ever top "naked Hitler groin massage" (which became something of a motto on my forums for a while... at one point, we were the #1 google hit for that search string, we said it so much).

So... how does Google Analytics say people are finding my blog? Survey says:

1. "noggin vomit." Far and away the #1. Makes sense. It's the name of my blog. Not sure who the fuck is searching for it, though... "Let's see... where was his blog again? It's called Noggin Vomit, why don't we google for that?"
2. "kidzookie." Again, makes sense. I always refer to my children as kidzookie on my blog (I try damn hard not to use anybody's real names). This one's probably some of my relatives who can't remember the blog's name or address.
3. "logitech replacement dongle." I'm kinda glad I got lots of hits on that one. Fuck Logitech and their lousy fucking customer service.
4. "lump on my tricep." That's... that's not a kind of porn, right?
5. "strippers vs zombies." You see? YOU SEE?! I told you it was high cinema!
6. "zombies zombies zombies." Again. I told you. Mock me for my studies, but you'll be glad I saw this documentary when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives.
7. "brazilian shaved taco." Coyote? I thought you liked my landing strip.
8. "condom noggin show." Is that on Spike TV?
9. "dear life fuck you." My people! Let me show you the way!
10. "deer vomit." Ew.
11. "does styrofoam turn to glass in your stomach." Dude. See a doctor. Seriously.
12. "dr factoid." That's what they call me.
13. "dr. factoid." Grammar Nazis got you, huh? It's okay. No points off for it here. Taco's all about love, baby.
14. "father shaved my head." I'm... sorry?
15. "fucking logitech." Right the fuck on, brother! Fuckin' Logitech.
16. "grimm noggin." I think you're looking for Grimm. His blog doesn't have noggins and is much funnier than mine. He should update more. Punkass.
17. "jerry lewis mc donalds." Uh... what?
18. "let me destroy noggins." I have a list of noggins you can start on if you're interested.
19. "lump tricep." Whew. At least this one's not on my tricep.
20. "mc donalds+vomit." I'm pretty good at algebra. Let's see... if I apply the quadratic equation here... take the square root of Grade D beef... times minimum wage to the fake cheese power... got it. Forty seven? No? Crap.
21. "noggin mcdonald's." Okay.
22. "nogginvomit." Weird that it's so far down the list. Huh.
23. "pocky lips." Indeed. Also, deer.
24. "shit neck." Noplz. Do not want.
25. "smoke and vomit." The fuck?
26. "vomit from deer." That's... specific.
27. "vomitfuck." I almost wish I could see the reaction of the person who googled for that and found my site. Almost. Except that would mean having to meet them.
28. "weirdest urinal." I wouldn't consider myself an authority, but it was pretty weird.
29. "why is my logitech mouse a piece of shit." I think you answered your own question, there, Sparky.

Sadly, most of my strings aren't all that funny for this blog so far. I was really happy to see that I seem to be some kind of swirling vortex of Logitech-hate, though. Perhaps I should start a support group. Who's bringing the beer?