How they find me

Coyote and I talked about posting this info a long time ago, and then I forgot. But now he's called me out, and I must return fire in kind.

Google Analytics is an awesome tool that can tell you a hell of a lot about your website, your traffic, and your users. If you're running a real website that you intend to make money from, it (or something similar) is an absolute must... such tools are invaluable in helping you tailor your site to keep visitors interested, returning, viewing your ads... whatever.

Of course, it's completely useless to me and my blog, since I have no ads and about five friends reading it... but it does have one little feature I can't do without: it'll tell you how people found you.

I've been watching the search strings people find my site with for years, and it never disappoints. Prior to converting to blogspot, someone constantly found my old blog by searching for "groin mustard." Figure that one out. And I doubt anyone will ever top "naked Hitler groin massage" (which became something of a motto on my forums for a while... at one point, we were the #1 google hit for that search string, we said it so much).

So... how does Google Analytics say people are finding my blog? Survey says:

1. "noggin vomit." Far and away the #1. Makes sense. It's the name of my blog. Not sure who the fuck is searching for it, though... "Let's see... where was his blog again? It's called Noggin Vomit, why don't we google for that?"
2. "kidzookie." Again, makes sense. I always refer to my children as kidzookie on my blog (I try damn hard not to use anybody's real names). This one's probably some of my relatives who can't remember the blog's name or address.
3. "logitech replacement dongle." I'm kinda glad I got lots of hits on that one. Fuck Logitech and their lousy fucking customer service.
4. "lump on my tricep." That's... that's not a kind of porn, right?
5. "strippers vs zombies." You see? YOU SEE?! I told you it was high cinema!
6. "zombies zombies zombies." Again. I told you. Mock me for my studies, but you'll be glad I saw this documentary when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives.
7. "brazilian shaved taco." Coyote? I thought you liked my landing strip.
8. "condom noggin show." Is that on Spike TV?
9. "dear life fuck you." My people! Let me show you the way!
10. "deer vomit." Ew.
11. "does styrofoam turn to glass in your stomach." Dude. See a doctor. Seriously.
12. "dr factoid." That's what they call me.
13. "dr. factoid." Grammar Nazis got you, huh? It's okay. No points off for it here. Taco's all about love, baby.
14. "father shaved my head." I'm... sorry?
15. "fucking logitech." Right the fuck on, brother! Fuckin' Logitech.
16. "grimm noggin." I think you're looking for Grimm. His blog doesn't have noggins and is much funnier than mine. He should update more. Punkass.
17. "jerry lewis mc donalds." Uh... what?
18. "let me destroy noggins." I have a list of noggins you can start on if you're interested.
19. "lump tricep." Whew. At least this one's not on my tricep.
20. "mc donalds+vomit." I'm pretty good at algebra. Let's see... if I apply the quadratic equation here... take the square root of Grade D beef... times minimum wage to the fake cheese power... got it. Forty seven? No? Crap.
21. "noggin mcdonald's." Okay.
22. "nogginvomit." Weird that it's so far down the list. Huh.
23. "pocky lips." Indeed. Also, deer.
24. "shit neck." Noplz. Do not want.
25. "smoke and vomit." The fuck?
26. "vomit from deer." That's... specific.
27. "vomitfuck." I almost wish I could see the reaction of the person who googled for that and found my site. Almost. Except that would mean having to meet them.
28. "weirdest urinal." I wouldn't consider myself an authority, but it was pretty weird.
29. "why is my logitech mouse a piece of shit." I think you answered your own question, there, Sparky.

Sadly, most of my strings aren't all that funny for this blog so far. I was really happy to see that I seem to be some kind of swirling vortex of Logitech-hate, though. Perhaps I should start a support group. Who's bringing the beer?