Catchin' Cooties

WIFEZILLA:  Is this gonna be heartwarming?

TACO:  Yep.

WIFEZILLA:  Is he gonna get together with the girl?

TACO:  Yep.

WIFEZILLA:  Are they gonna kiss?

TACO:  No!  That's how you get cooties!

WIFEZILLA:  Depends on what you kiss.

TACO:  Well played, madam.

My reputation precedes me.

TACO:  Am I going to have fun?

WIFEZILLA:  If I don't pass out.

TACO:  If you pass out, maybe I'll have a LOT of fun.

WIFEZILLA:  If I pass out, you can do whatever you want.

TACO:  ...

WIFEZILLA:  Oh, God, what are you going to do?  Fry eggs on my ass?

FML

TACO:  [reads Dr. Doom's Twitter feed to wifezilla]  Blah blah blah FML.

WIFEZILLA:  FML?

TACO:  FML.

WIFEZILLA:  FML?

TACO:  F.  M.  L.

WIFEZILLA:   Does that stand for something?

TACO:  Yes.

WIFEZILLA:  I wanted to know what it stands for.

TACO:  Then that's what you should have asked.

WIFEZILLA:  [sighs]  Living with you is hard.

TACO:  Yep.

WIFEZILLA:  What does FML stand for?

TACO:  "Fuck My Life."

WIFEZILLA:  FML.

TACO:  See what we did there?  That little meta jo...

WIFEZILLA:  Shut up.

Push it real good.

NETFLIX STREAMING:  [Retrieving.]

WIFEZILLA:  Make it work!

TACO:  What do you want me to do?  Open up the wire and push the ones and zeroes myself?

WIFEZILLA:  Yes!

NETFLIX STREAMING:  [Plays for 5 minutes]
NETFLIX STREAMING:  [Retrieving.  AGAIN.]

WIFEZILLA:  Push the bits and bytes, Taco!

TACO:  I'll push the bits and bytes if you push my bits and bite.

WIFEZILLA:  Well aren't you funny.

Jazz Hands!

WIFEZILLA: Guys' bodies are so weird.

TACO: It's a biological inevitability.

WIFEZILLA: Still weird.

TACO: It's not my fault. You go into REM sleep, you get a raging boner. Fact of life.

WIFEZILLA: Still weird.

TACO: You should be happy. You pounce me in the middle of the night, most of the work's already done for you.

WIFEZILLA: Still weird.

TACO: Okay, I have to admit... I'd be kinda freaked out of women... you know...

TACO: [jazz hands around his junk]

TACO: [hisses]

TACO: ... like that dinosaur on Jurassic Park.

WIFEZILLA: *chokes* Okay, that was pretty good. Please don't ever do it again.

The Checkered Flag

WIFEZILLA: And then you do this when you finish.

TACO: ...

WIFEZILLA: Are you watching?

TACO: ...

WIFEZILLA: Watch.

TACO: ...

WIFEZILLA: [mimes]

TACO: We're never having sex again.

WIFEZILLA: Oh, come on. I bet I look funny, too.

TACO: I should've given being gay a chance.

WIFEZILLA: What the hell would that solve?

TACO: Better sexual mechanics. Gay guys wouldn't be able see what ridiculous faces I make when I cross the finish line.

Someone should invent antilock brakes for mouths.

WIFEZILLA: [sigh]

TACO: What?

WIFEZILLA: All the women at your office are so thin and pretty. I don't like it.

TACO: Well, they're a lot younger than we are.

TACO: Can I pretend I didn't say that out loud?

WIFEZILLA: Go ahead. That's what I'm doing.

Did I mention nipple?

TACO: Your shirt is too thin.

WIFEZILLA: Why?

TACO: I can see your belly button. And is that your nipple?

WIFEZILLA: [looks at shirt and sighs heavily] No, that's a butter stain.

TACO: I'm going to pretend that's your nipple.

WIFEZILLA: That's not my nipple. [points] That's my nipple.

TACO: I'm not going to pretend that's your nipple.

WIFEZILLA: Why the hell not?

TACO: Because that really is your nipple.

Freud Sucks

WIFEZILLA: We're gonna have pork and corn...

TACO: PORN?!?!

WIFEZILLA: PORK. And CORN.

TACO: Shit.

Kitty's Got Claws

WIFEZILLA: Whatcha doin'?

TACO: Playing a tower defense game.

WIFEZILLA: Oh. Is your World of Warcraft not online?

TACO: No, it's fine.

WIFEZILLA: Why aren't you playing?

TACO: Kinda bored with it. My friends haven't been playing lately.

WIFEZILLA: Oh. They got girlfriends?

TACO: Damn, woman.

Of course I don't get permission until he's already found a job.

WIFEZILLA: I'm gonna have to wear my glasses for a couple of months.

TACO: ??

WIFEZILLA: Tore my last ones again. I can't afford to keep buying a new pack every two months.

TACO: Ah.

WIFEZILLA: Maybe when we're millionaires.

TACO: Hmm.

WIFEZILLA: 'Course then I could get a Seeing Eye Person.

TACO: A Seeing Eye Person would be cool.

WIFEZILLA: Or a Doing Eye Person.

TACO: [points at self]

WIFEZILLA: No, you're too busy most of the time.

TACO: No, I mean would your Doing Eye Person do me?

WIFEZILLA: If I'm tired.

TACO: Get a hot one.

WIFEZILLA: A girl, I assume?

TACO: W...

WIFEZILLA: Or Coyote, yeah, I know.

Turnabout, Fair Play, and the Symmetric Property

TACO: I have heartburn.

WIFEZILLA: Why do you have heartburn?

TACO: Because there is acid in my esophagus.

WIFEZILLA: Must you?

TACO: Ugh. Where's the antacid?

WIFEZILLA: In the antacid bottle.

TACO: Touche, madam.

Ish.

WIFEZILLA: Turn the air off, I'm cold.

TACO: No.

WIFEZILLA: I'm nakedish!

TACO: Pfft. You're not nakedish. You're wearing a tshirt nightgown thing.

WIFEZILLA: Ish!

TACO: Yeah, yeah, I'm nakedish too.

WIFEZILLA: No, you're wearing jeans.

TACO: There's a lot of play in "ish," bish.

WIFEZILLA: There's something wrong with you.

God I love my kid.

KIDZOOKIE: We learned about the Presidents today.

WIFEZILLA: Can you name some?

KIDZOOKIE: George Washington. Lincoln. Bill, um... Clinton?

WIFEZILLA: Very good. Which one was the first President?

KIDZOOKIE: George Washington.

WIFEZILLA: Do you know who's the President now?

KIDZOOKIE: Barack Obama.

WIFEZILLA: Do you know which President came before him?

KIDZOOKIE: All of them.

We seem to be running a theme lately

WIFEZILLA: Hey.

TACO: Hey.

WIFEZILLA: You're pretty cute.

TACO: Mm.

WIFEZILLA: Did you know that?

TACO: No.

WIFEZILLA: Well, you are.

TACO: Explains a lot.

WIFEZILLA: Like what?

TACO: I can't keep my hands off myself.

WIFEZILLA: I've noticed that.

Faceplant

WIFEZILLA: My boob itches.

TACO: Want me to bite it?

WIFEZILLA: It's kinda sweaty underneath.

TACO: Never mind. You're disgusting.

WIFEZILLA: Oh, like you don't get sweaty under your stuff.

TACO: That's different.

WIFEZILLA: How in the hell is that different?

TACO: I don't put my face in there.

WIFEZILLA: If you could put your face in there, we wouldn't have a house.

TACO: If I could put my face in there, there wouldn't be a we.

WIFEZILLA: Oh, come on!

Well, Pappy O'Daniel liked it.

A series of text messages today:

TACO: me.setSunshine(you);

TACO: me.setSunshineCount(1);

TACO: if (Colors.GRAY.equals(sky.getColor()) you.getMe().beHappy();

WIFEZILLA: You = dork;

CotD: Twofer Tuesday Edition

Conversation the First:

TACO: [plays the Star Wars edition of Life with the kiddos]

GIRLZOOKIE: Dark side!

TACO: Here's another dark side token. You're turning into one evil little turd.

KIDZOOKIE: How about me?

TACO: You only have one dark side token. Your guy is just kinda rude.

KIDZOOKIE: Crap! Well, I'm going down the next Dark Side path. So I'll have two tokens.

TACO: Congratulations, you've upgraded to whiny and petulant.

KIDZOOKIE: This game sucks.

TACO: Excellent roleplay, Anakin.

KIDZOOKIE: Huh?



Conversation the Second:

TV: [plays some stupid shampoo commercial]

WIFEZILLA: [quoting stupid commercial to mock it] Does your hair feel as good as it looks?

TACO: I'm going bald.

WIFEZILLA: But does your hair feel as good as it looks?

TACO: I don't have much hair.

WIFEZILLA: [sigh] Fine. But does it feel as good as it looks?

TACO: It's falling out. It looks scared. My hairs are all like, "Oh, shit, I could be next." What does scared feel like?

WIFEZILLA: Dork.

I am a pioneer in the exciting field of Shit Not To Say To Your Girl Ology

WIFE: How do you like my hair cut?

TACO: Cool, you got a celebrity hairdo.

WIFE: Oh? Which celebrity?

TACO: Derek Zoolander.

Gradually Ruining That Woman

TACO & WIFEZILLA: [watch 30 Rock]

TACO: What the hell? Kenneth is over 40?

WIFEZILLA: He'll never look any older. He's like Michael J. Fox.

TACO: So he'll just gradually get more and more blurry?

WIFEZILLA: Was that a Parkinson's joke?

TACO: Yeah.

WIFEZILLA: Meep meep.

TACO: Hellbus?

WIFEZILLA: Yep.

TACO: God, you're awesome.