What my kids say about me.

A friend of mine sent me this questionnaire today. Figured I'd share.

Answered by Kidzookie (7), Girlzookie (4).

1. What's something your dad always says to you?
Kidzookie: "D-word it."

(Oh, come on. Not always.)

Girlzookie: "You look beautiful."

2. What's something that makes your dad happy?
Kidzookie: "Video games."

Girlzookie: "The kitty cat."

3. What's something that makes your dad sad?
Kidzookie: "What happened in gymnastics class today."

(An older kid there was bullying him tonight. Kid's mom is fucking useless and lets him run wild. When he started in on my kid, I had enough and got up to straighten shit out. Apparently the kids in his class were impressed by the expression on my face. Kid's mom, too. She was running Olympic times to go yell at her son once I got up.)

Girlzookie: "Whining."

4. How does your dad make you laugh?
Kidzookie: "You do the Hank Hill impression."

Girlzookie: "Throw us on the couch."

(Honestly, honey, I have no idea why the couch is falling apart.)

5. What did your dad like to do when he was a child?
Kidzookie: "You liked to go to school."

Girlzookie: "Play games."

6. How old is your dad?
Kidzookie: "34."

Girlzookie: "50 feet tall."

(I came back to this question 4 or 5 times over the course of this questionnaire. She answered this way every time. I have weird kids.)

7. How tall is your dad?
Kidzookie: "I think maybe ten feet three inches."

Girlzookie: "40 feet tall."

8. What is your dad's favorite thing to watch on T.V.?
Kidzookie: "Battlestar Galactica."

Girlzookie: "Family Guy."

9. What does your dad do when you're not around?
Kidzookie: "You work."

Girlzookie: "Have fun."

10. If your dad becomes famous what will it be for?
Kidzookie: "You'll be famous for the Hank Hill impression."

Girlzookie: "For the cat."

(Followon:

Me: What's that mean?

Girlzookie: I don't know.)

11. What is your dad really good at?
Kidzookie: "Breaking his back bones."

(This is apparently a reference to my bad joints.)

Girlzookie: "Playing every single video game."

(She doesn't know about my shameful FPS disability yet.)

12. What is your dad not very good at?
Kidzookie: "Doing cartwheels."

Girlzookie: "One game."

(Okay, maybe she does know about my FPS disability.)

13. What does your dad do for his job?
Kidzookie: "Make new programs."

Girlzookie: "Work all the time."

14. What is your dad's favorite food?
Kidzookie: "Smart Ones."

(I take a Smart Ones frozen chicken enchilada to work almost every day. Hey, it's a step up from the Fox de Luxe pizzas I ate daily about ten years ago.)

Girlzookie: "Spaghetti."

15. What makes you proud of your dad?
Kidzookie: "How good you are at video games."

(Okay, I feel awesome.)

Girlzookie: "Cutting the tree that was about to fall on the house."

(No, wait... now I feel awesome.)

16. If your dad were a cartoon character, who would he be?
Kidzookie: "Iron Man."

(No, wait... NOW I feel awesome.)

Girlzookie: "Star Wars the Clone Wars."

(Her first answer was Princess Leia. She clarified it as the above when I asked, "What???" I... don't really feel awesome any more. But I do feel pretty.)

17. What do you and your dad do together?
Kidzookie: "Go to gymnastics class."

Girlzookie: "Go to gymnastics class."

18. How are you and your dad the same?
Kidzookie: "We both have freckles."

Girlzookie: "Because we're almost the same because we dressed up but we have not the same sunglasses. Because we both have sunglasses, that's why we're the same."

(Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.)

19. How are you and your dad different?
Kidzookie: "You're taller than me."

Girlzookie: "Because you're a little bit small, like this big." [holds hands as wide as they'll go]

20. How do you know that your dad loves you?
Kidzookie: "Because you like it when you get to see me at work."

(I do enjoy when they meet me for lunch.)

Girlzookie: "Because I like you."

(Let's see how you feel about me when you're sixteen and I'm mean to your dates.)

21. What does your dad like most about your mom?
Kidzookie: "Because she goes to bed first so she's not like still watching movies downstairs."

Girlzookie: "Because she pets the dog a lot."

22. Where's your dad's favorite place to go?
Kidzookie: "Five Guys."

Girlzookie: "Cici's Pizza with me for a night out."

Fighting Fire With Fire

Taco: I have decided that I am going to fight fire with fire where these remakes are concerned

Coyote: ?

Taco: I'm going to start remaking things back at them
Taco: For my first shot across the bow, I'm remaking Fantasy Island
Taco: Except it's going to take place on one of those skeezy sex resorts in my version
Taco: And instead of a charming, swarthy, latin hunk Mr. Rourke, he's going to be the drunken, abusive, Irish Mr. O'Rourke
Taco: And instead of the dwarf Tattoo, he's going to be a giant Samoan covered in tattoos
Taco: And the fantasies will be granted by an elder forgotten god trapped in the volcano
Taco: He will of course pervert the fantasies so that they come out nothing like the people want
Taco: They'll be lucky the weeks they escape with their lives and sanity
Taco: You see, the islanders will be trying to resurrect their god for vengeance
Taco: Because despite the resort and all the money flowing into it, they are destitute
Taco: And angry

Coyote: ...
Coyote: I kinda wanna see that

I make no apologies.

When you're jumpstarting a DeLorean, you just have to expect people to say shit like, "I don't think you're gonna get 1.21 jiggawatts out of that thing, dude."