Apparently my daughter could have written for The Tick.

KIDZOOKIE: Happy Earth Day!

TACO: I hate the earth.

KIDZOOKIE: Nuh uh.

TACO: Yuh huh. [shakes fist] DAMN YOU, EARTH!

KIDZOOKIE: [laughs] You're supposed to like turn the lights out and recycle.

TACO: I'm going to turn extra lights on, and then go outside and pee on the earth.

KIDZOOKIE: Awesome.

TACO: Want to help me destroy the earth?

KIDZOOKIE: Yeah!

GIRLZOOKIE: No! You can't destroy the earth! That's where I keep all of my My Little Ponies!

Gentle slackasses, I greet you as your king.

Tribute is due in the form of cash money.

Oh, don't worry. If you ever get around to doing it, you're not one of my slackass minions, and are thus not subject to the tribute rule.

I'm apparently pretty bad at these dreams.

This weekend I had a dream that Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan were starring in a porno that fett was directing.

I don't even pay attention to conversations that I'm participating in.

WIFEZILLA'S CAR: [chirps tires]

TACO: Rrrrrrrrr!

WIFEZILLA: Was that my car?

TACO: No, that was me doing an impression of when your car made that noise.

WIFEZILLA: Why did my car make that noise?

TACO: Because you went around that curve so fast. You're a maniac.

WIFEZILLA: I am not. I'm a good driver.

TACO: You're out of control. It kinda turns me on. Want to make out?

WIFEZILLA: Why are you doing an impression of George Bush?

TACO: I... don't know.

Apparently I'm insensitive.

KIDZOOKIE: [comes in crying]

TACO: What's wrong?

KIDZOOKIE: The dog bit me!

TACO: What were you doing when the dog bit you?

KIDZOOKIE: I was playing Bite with the dog.

TACO: If the name of the game is "Bite," just what the hell did you expect to happen?

One day, she's going to kill me.

TACO: I had an ancestor named Julius Caesar.

WIFEZILLA: Yeah, I heard you talking to your mom.

TACO: I had an ancestor named Kinchin, too.

WIFEZILLA: I've never heard that name before.

TACO: Yeah, mom either.

WIFEZILLA: That's a weird name.

TACO: If we have another kid, I'm naming him Kinchin.

WIFEZILLA: No, if we have another kid, I'm naming her Annaliese.

TACO: No, if we have another girl, I'm naming her Cordelia.

WIFEZILLA: Okay, we'll have twins.

TACO: Fine. I'll name the good one Cordelia.

WIFEZILLA: What's wrong with Annaliese?

TACO: She's the bad one. Pay attention.