Coyote and I have periodically discussed how every internet questionnaire that flies around the world's email servers invariably sucks. They always ask questions that involve no risk on the answerer's part, so you don't really find out anything about them.
So we decided to correct that dreadful problem.
Plus, you know, offensive questions are funny. We're mature that way.
I've kicked various questions around in my head for a long time. We decided a long time ago that twenty was the optimal number for such a list. Or maybe it was ten. Or thirty-seven. I forget. Anyway, the latest internet phenom has people giving and answering five questions, and it's way easier to come up with five than however-the-hell-many we decided we needed. So I'm copping out and posting my five favorites.
Answer my questions, bitches.
- What's your favorite book of all time?
- Now that you've given a totally bullshit answer in order to impress people on the intarwebs whom you've never met, stop being a poser and tell us what your real favorite book of all time is.
- What famous person, past or present, would you ravage sexually given the opportunity? Addendum: this person must be counter to your own sexual orientation. If you are heterosexual, they must be of your sex. If you are homosexual, they must be of the opposite sex. If you are bisexual, they must be an animal or a plant.
- What's the most bizarre sexual act you've ever committed? If you puss out and post something that's not interesting, we get to make fun of you. Make something up if you have to. Use lots of adjectives.
- Can you get the image of your grandparents fucking out of your head?
15 comments:
I'm totally going to answer these five but it should be known that I have a list of potential questions for the bigger survey up on googledocs and I'm not giving up on it.
It should further be noted that, again, you are cooler than all the rest of us so you should always feel free to just butt right in. Anything you say is most likely going to be better than anything I was going to say anyway so it's not like you're hurtin' anyone.
Also:
*sex*
Also, extra sex for dropping one of my questions into this list. I gain extra cool points for it and can lord it over the other kids.
I can't help noticing the conspicuous lack of answers. *taps his foot*
I feel somehow that a challenge has been thrown down. I shall answer your questions, sir, on my blog tomorrow.
ALSO, IF YOU READ THE RULES OF THE GAME, JACKASS, YOU'D NOTICE THAT YOU NEED TO POST A COMMENT TO SOMEONE ELSES QUESTIONS TO GET QUESTIONS OF YOUR OWN.
JACKASS.
DOUBLE JACKASS.
JACKASS WHO DOES NOT POST COMMENTS ON OTHER PEOPLES BLOGS.
(I just really like the word Jackass today)
I answered your preguntas on my blog.
Re: fett - I do so post comments on other peoples' blogs. Um. Sometimes. In fact, I posted a completely awesome story on yours. Several months ago, sure, but still. But basically, yeah, I'm the only person on earth who acts more or less the same online as off, so I'm just as introverted here as I am in meatspace, and fail utterly to understand how to inject myself into conversations.
Now. Where's my answers?
Re: Inga - Hooray!
Re: Coyote - I added a couple questions to your doc. More as they occur to me.
I told you, jackass, I'd answer your questions on my blog tomorrow. Also, I think in the matter of fairness you should also be required to answer said questions.
Also, introvert my ASS. MY JACKASS.
I'm totally introverted, bitch. Also, I left a comment on your blog.
Bitch.
Are you as turned on as I am?
Hell yes.
Answer your own questions, jackass. If I'm confessing to shameful things then I want to take you all down with me.
You COULD leave more comments than you usually do.
We need you. Hell, I need you. I miss you so damn much... I miss your laugh, heeheehee! I miss your scent. *breathes deep* I miss- I miss your musk... I think when all this is over, you and I should get an apartment together!
*dodges Coyote diving to defend his love*
Okay, okay (bitch). Here's my answers:
1. What's your favorite book of all time?
White Fang.
2. Now that you've given a totally bullshit answer in order to impress people on the intarwebs whom you've never met, stop being a poser and tell us what your real favorite book of all time is.
No, really, White Fang. I'm not sure why, but I dig that book with a mighty digging. I've read it once a year since I was eight (no, I'm not telling you how many times that is), and I'm still reading the same tattered copy I got from Troll Book Club in the second grade. Mom gave me a nice fake-leatherbound treasury of Jack London's works for my eighteenth birthday, but I read the patchwork paperback copy.
3. What famous person, past or present, would you ravage sexually given the opportunity? Addendum: this person must be counter to your own sexual orientation. If you are heterosexual, they must be of your sex. If you are homosexual, they must be of the opposite sex. If you are bisexual, they must be an animal or a plant.
I'm going to take a page from Inga's book and answer all three of these.
Guy: Coyote's not famous (yet) because motherfucker doesn't believe in his writing like he ought. And fett hasn't invented a supervirus and held the world for ransom yet. So I'm gonna go with Richard Simmons. I'm not sure why. He's just the first one that popped in my head, and it strikes me as pretty goddamn funny.
Girl: Kate Beckinsale's Ass. I'll even take Kate Beckinsale, since I assume she comes along for the ride.
Plant: Audrey II. 'Cause I can't think of another famous plant.
4. What's the most bizarre sexual act you've ever committed? If you puss out and post something that's not interesting, we get to make fun of you. Make something up if you have to. Use lots of adjectives.
I dated one girl who got off on wetting herself. She handcuffed one of her hands to her dorm room desk, gave me the key, and instructed me not to unlock it until she'd... err... relieved tensions. Had a couple of beers to speed things along. Didn't do much for me, personally, but I don't judge; whatever blows your skirt up, you know? Only did it once. I couldn't figure out what to do with myself while she was waiting for the floodgates to open, so I sat on the futon and watched Star Trek. Evidently that was too weird for her.
5. Can you get the image of your grandparents fucking out of your head?
Nope, not since I first thought up this question a couple years ago. I didn't want to suffer alone, though, so I inflicted it upon you guys, too. If I'm going down, I'm taking the rest of you with me.
Oh, come on... my answers weren't that bad... hello? Hello?
I deleted my blog in a fit of good sense. So I post on your blog instead.
Wheeee! Bringin' down the virtual property values!
A Malady of Magics. That book was a scream.
Uh...okay. I guess I didn't like that book after all. I was trying to make you all realize how well-read I am with that selection. I guess my real favorite book is Canterbury Tales?
I'm going to have to go with myself. Alternate dimensional male/female/plant variant from a dimension wherein I am famous. Because I am just that nacissistic ... and sexy.
I have no idea what would count as bizarre. My mind is so ravaged by internet porn that everything from scat to chicks playing electric guitar in the shower seems pretty normal to me. My predilections seem horribly vanilla in comparison. So I'll go with plugging goats. Mmmmm. Goats. Temptation to link to goatse ... overcome.
Yeah, I'm pretty much not affected by that. I understand that I am the product of millions of years of sweaty, grunty, moany sex. Meh.
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